Bob the Auditor, tales from the open suitcase

Norway would be close to perfect if only....

 After eight days in Norway, I, like most Americans, have just a FEW suggestions to make this country nearly perfect:

1) Is it an attack on National Pride to sell English Newspapers?  I'd even be content to read the trash they write about in London.  The Radisson where I am staying is mostly expats, but not a word of written English to be had.  There are USA TV programs (CSI - Newark, and equally intersting shows), and first run movies from the USA (Cat Ballou? - Lee Marvin whoos Jane Fonda before her trip to North Vietnam).  And of course the old standby - BBC News (but who wants to listen to Brits drone on about still being the masters of the Globe, about 150 years too late).

2) OK, I get it, the USA Credit Card Industry is more than a decade behind as we still enjoy using (dare I say it, paper money?!).  But nobody memorizes the PIN on all their credit cards.  Thats what an ATM card is for.  It reached the height of absurdity last evening when I handed the waiter 600 NOK on a 450 NOK tab, and he could not make change.  Had to call the Manager, who could not make change, so I wrote out the subtraction problem on a napkin.  I might as well have been speaking Greek, OR ENGLISH......

3) Who enjoys driving a $225,000 Toyota Camry (remember the tax structure here) and only going about 40 mph on a deserted stretch of mountain road that is straight for 25 miles?  NOT ME.

4) Why is it that a broken container of yogart(?) can sit on a step in our Multimillion dollar office building main staircase for OVER three days, yet I have to not only take my lunch tray back to the dishwashing station, but I have to scrap the foood waste from all the plates and stack my plates, cup, and silverware in separate bins?  I thought they had immigrants for this work.

5) Why does almost everyone in this perfect model of Socialism find the need to tell me that President Obama is the best leader the USA has EVER had in their lifetime?  First they must smell conservative after shave on me or something (Oh yes, Most of my liberal friends back home either refuse to use any personal hygine products "made by the man"; or to show how environmentally friendly they are, they only shower once a week, or LESS often).  AND really, has NOBODY here heard of Richard Nixon?

And, in closing, the $700 BN DOLLAR Norwegian Oil Fund (the fund that keeps EVERYBODY HAPPY) just invested some money (a mere $600 million) for the first time in the USA.  They bought minority shares in a number of commercial buidlings in New York, Boston, and Washington DC.  I HOPE THE SELLER WAS NOT DONALD TRUMP!

Do I feel like WC Fields who said:  All in all I'd rather be in Philadelphia?  Stay tuned.

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Norway's done good.

Only in Norway

Friends Of Bob:

Well another 48 hours in Stavanger (up until 1960 Stavanger "canned" more seafood, primarily sardines, than any other country, let alone city, in the world.  More on this chilling fact later, unless you like sardines, than sit tight.

The hightest speed limit, even on the major highways (read one lane in each direction with a short passing lane), is 90 kph, or about 55 mph.  Its no wonder all my Norwegian coworkers in Houston buy BMW's or Mercedes when on temporary assignment.  The average speed limit is, 45 or about 27.  And there are speed cameras everywhere.  And no tolerance.  If you go even one mile over the limit its a hefty fine.  In some towns the fine is increased based on your income.   YIKES.  But since Norway has more millionaires per capita then anywhere else, well a 10 kph fine can cost you a cool thousand!

They tax the vehicle based on the horsepower of the car.  You see they really frown on driving FAST.  But there is a nice loophole.  You can buy an SUV, or four door pickup truck, claim that you have a business, and remove the back seat.  Then you take the car to the local tax office, get a green license plate, and validation from the car dealer that the seats are gone.........  So my wife's Infinity G37-S, with about 250 horsepower, would cost with taxes, about $225,000.  We paid just a bit less for it....But if I removed the back seat from my Honda Ridgeline Truck, only $65,000....hmmm

Statoil has to fork over 50% of their revenue gained from producing oil off the coast of Norway, to the National Government.  This fund, also bolstered by foreign oil companies paying upwards of 70% of their revenue drilling in Norwegian waters, ensures EVERY Norwegian citizen free health care, free university including masters and PhD, free dental, and a retirement plan that only guys like Mitt Romney can afford.  Just imagine the way the USA would look if ExxonMobil forked over half of their profits to POTUS..

Stavanger is called the largest wooden city in the world.  There are more original wooden homes than possibly Germany, France and Italy combined.  Of course those countries were heavily destroyed during WWII.  But thats old news.  Now these small three room cottages from 1810 fetch a few million each. 

The hotel breakfast buffet serves smoked salmon, pickled herring, and about a dozen types of sardines in various sauces.  It all looks and smells like motor oil......Very healthy though.  Probably because within 30 minutes its leaves your body violently.  Nothing more needs to be said on that topic.

This past weekend I was waiting for the seven hour time difference before calling my wife, so I watched one of the ten sports channels.  It was like watching the Winter Olympics on every channel.  Who knew there was Professional Ski Jumping.  And my cajun friends would really enjoy participaing in the skiing and rifle shooting, except they'd be using water skis and live nutra for targets.  Love to see Norwegians on water skis shooting a shotgun........Never mind.  No basketball, ice hockey, hunting or fishing shows.  Whats wrong with these people?

Now some shots of Stavanger for your enjoyment.     My Construction Company

Breiavatnet Pond

 

 

 

 

 

Medieval Church from 1125

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Most of the old city has these small multimillion dollar cottages from 1810 on cobble stone streets.

 

 

 

Well your trusty correspondent will be in Norway only another 31 hours.  But in case you have not heard all you ever wanted about canned sardines and $18 dollar beer, stay tuned.  I go back for six weeks starting mid March, including a trip to Oslo (an intoxicating place to forget the Fjords for awhile; and Bergen (surrounded by seven fjords so no forgetting that).

R Claus says:  Kan du si fra nar vi kommer til Oslo?  (Please tell me when we get to Oslo)  And there will be a quiz.

How to be Norwegian in 1000 easy lessons

Friends of Bob:

Well I have survived (thrived) four plus days in Norway and learned a few things. 

1) Norwegians are great at building legos but beach volleyball in February doesn't work with all cultures.

I captained a team of coworkers to victory in Lego building and archery....And yes ALL the events were outside, on the beach, in 10 degree sunshine.  Team Building.

 

 

 

2) The view may look great but wine and cigars in minus 20 degree weather is not good for the soul.

But before I could no longer feel my fingers, and before the wine turned to slush, I had a nice Monticristo Hecho en Cuba.

 

 

3) The German Army was great with cement, but cheap and unruly guests.

Machine gun nest outside rear of hotel Sola.  Two gun emplacements were blown up and the cement pieces were used to construct the parking lot and tennis courts.

 

 

4)When a Norwegian tells you its JUST A SHORT TREK to his Viking Cabin in Sirdal, bring snowshoes in the winter and carry EVERYTHING in a SMALL back pack.  I walked 120 yards, uphill, in thigh deep powder with a 60 pound suitcase and four bottles of wine, with no gloves, and wearing sneakers. 

OK maybe it was only 100 yds, but I was breathing so hard at the end I coughed for 30 minutes until my third shot of Aguavit.  More on that later.

 

 

 

 

 

 

5) Despite what your Norwegian Host tells you it is NOT in bad form to "just say no" to your 4th shot of Aguavit.  Of course I didn't say NO, but yes to shots 4 and 5......Then it got blurry, slurry and my memory lapsed just a bit......

The sign reads:  My saloon, my rules.  So who was I to argue with my host?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

6) When you beer turns to slush, and you lips stick to the silver plated shot glass, all Norwegians head inside to the fire.

 

 

 

7) When your Norwegian Host tells you that X-Country skiing is easy as drinking shots of Aquavit, stay in the Cottage drinking coffee nursing your hangover.

We skiied (fell, walked, took off skis) for over an hour.  I was on the ski team (downhill) in High School, skiied double black diamond slopes in Breckenridge CO., and "glade" skiing in the Canadian Rockies at Lake Louise, all with reckless abandon and no injuries.  But this was the toughest skiing I ever attempted.  I had a contusion on my arm yesterday the size of a baseball.

 

 

 

 

8) Finally the Norwegians outlawed Alcohol back in 1919 just like in the USA, and although their Prohibition was overturned ten years later, drinking is still frowned upon in most of the little villages; although the illegal "stills" are said to rival Kentucky back in the day.  And its no wonder as each drink is not only taxed 25%, but I paid $18 for a 16 oz pint of Tuborg, and $22 for a 4 oz glass of Bulgarian Wine.  So when you arrive at Duty Free, stock up on the four bottles of wine, or two bottles of Aguavit.  Just drink the later in MODERATION.  I'm just saying.

R. Claus says "Skal"   (cheers)  and "Jeg er syk" ( I feel sick)

Norway on $200 a day

Friends of R. Claus:

Well I arrived in Stavanger Norway safe and sound, but MUCH lighter in the wallet by the end of this day.  I just spent $80.00 on dinner for soup, salad, and a glass of wine.  But lets talk about the experience of riding on a jet plane that holds 545 passengers.  The Airbus 380.  Lufthansa has 15 of these huge jets in its fleet.  The plane has three decks and each wing is about the length of a football field.  I have the luxury of flying Business Class, but all in all the Service on British Airways, and the Boeing 747, is superior; I'm just saying. 

Once we landed in Stavanger almost the entire passenger list headed to Duty Free.  You can get a great bottle of Spanish, French, Italian, or even Bulgarian Wine for about $18.  Out on the street its almost triple that price.  I even bought a few Montecristo (Hecho en Cuba) for only a pittance of what I'd pay in London.  Now if I can just find a nice place to smoke them as I believe its even illegal to walk the streets smoking a cigar....

My hotel room is priced at about $300 a night (Sola Strand Hotel).  For that you get a 6 x 12 foot room, with a bed smaller than what I slept in as a child, and a shower that bascially drains right onto the bathroom floor (walk in), no hand cream, soap, shampoo, or tissues.  But the room has three large skylights in which I can see thousands of stars as the sky is so dark.  And the hotel sits on the sixth most famous beach in the world, Solastranden, although I believe the Norwegians may have stuffed the ballot box just a tad, I'm just saying.  They say you can judge a culture by the type and amount of trash that washes up on its beaches.  Well I walked about a mile and saw only a box of German Cookies and a Snickers Wraper.  There were small pieces of discarded plastic, probably from oil rigs in the North Sea, but all in all VERY pristine.  And hundreds of jelly fish.  The water is about 40 degrees so the sight of those creatures was very strange.

The Hotel was built in 1914 and was taken over by the German Army in 1940.  When they left in April of 1945 (under questionable circumstances, something about not paying their tab), they had such a memorable visit they not only stole the towels, but the ash trays, lamps, beds, and door knobs. 

Oh, the taxi ride over here was something to write home about, sort of.  The driver gets out of the car and I am standing by the trunk with my suitcase.  He asks:  "do you expect me to place that in the truck?"  I said, "do you expect me to pay you?"  Well it was a two minute ride to the hotel, for 120 kroner, or $22.  He refuses to take my bag out, so no tip for you (he was Bulgarian).

Those of you with a GPS on your phone and nothing better to do can look up where I am at:

Lon: 5" 36" 16', Lat: 58 degrees 53" 6'

It was a balmy 35 today and sunshine, but read about the best ICE Hotels in Scandy below.  I believe they don't melt until at least July.

Correspondent R. Claus says: hvor mye koster det vin (HOW much is that wine?!) 

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